Day 5
February 09, 2009
Cancer Talk
Cancer Talk
rash, diarrhea, anorexia, fatigue, dyspnea, cough, nausea, infection, vomiting, stomatitis, pruritus, dry skin, conjunctivitis, keratoconjunctivitis sicca, abdominal pain, decreased weight, edema, pyrexia, constipation, bone pain, myalgia, depression, dyspepsia, dizziness, headache, insomnia, alopecia, anxiety, neuropathy, flatulence, rigors.
I wouldn't think depression is so much a side effect of the medication I am taking right now as initial reaction to the list of side effects themselves. Who wouldn't be depressed just looking at this list?
Should 'indecisiveness' be included, if I could be diarrhetic and constipated at the same time? At which point does the flatulence happen then? And if there's already weight loss, then why do I need anorexia?!
Recovering from surgeries and radiotherapy are a walk in the park, a dip in the pool even, compared to the hell I went through as a few of the above side effects kicked in on Day 5 of my target therapy this past weekend.
A B S O L U T E U T T E R H E L L
My face felt like I popped my head into a burning fire, dry, so very dry, that the skin started flaking off. Pain. Keeping my eyes open was painful since I was stretching the dry skin of the eye lids; talking or eating hurt since the corners of my mouth were cracking. I was so frighteningly red and blotchy that every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I wept. Spraying water soothed it temporarily, but dried it even more after the moisture had gone. Everything I used, ultra-sensitive facial moisturizers, after sun lotion, aloe vera gel, shea butter, all either stung from too much fragrance, or did not absorb at all to relief the dryness.
For me, pain often brings weakness. And so, the floodgates opened. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I taking such toxic medication? How can something so damaging help me heal? What have I done to deserve this? Wasn't I ever good enough?
The same senseless questions that bombard anyone afflicted with (perceived) tragedy or trauma. I'm only mortal.
Then another look into the mirror broke the mood and had me giggling. I ran to Ann - who has now returned to London, whom I miss very much - and announced that I don't have cancer, I'm just a muff-diver with an allergy. Right, too much L Word.
The next day, I woke up, still pretty much in the same condition, my face dry and taut, in pain. I showered, crying, and told myself: I am in pain now. But this too, shall pass.
And it did. I was mummifying myself with cotton pads soaked in water while watching Heroes season 3 (would Ali Larter's schizophrenic triplet character just accept her super powers already and deal, for F's sakes!?! I didn't ask for this, either!!!) with PT, when I pulled out a tube of Aveeno moisturizer at his suggestion since it is known to be very mild and hypoallergenic. It calmed and soothed me instantly. I could even smile!
Since the weekend, my skin has somewhat 'warmed up' to the chemistry and the blotchiness has calmed A LOT. I am now lathering vitamin E on my face both before and after bed. So now, I'm an oiled up sun-dried tomato instead!
I still have 20 odd days left of this course of therapy, and maybe the worse is yet to come, maybe I get to try out each and everyone of those side effects above. But just knowing over 100 people have died from the bush fires in Australia, singed alive while fleeing flaming inferno caused by nature itself, I am grateful with my mere sunburn on the face.
At the end of the day, I still have fabulous hair.
I wouldn't think depression is so much a side effect of the medication I am taking right now as initial reaction to the list of side effects themselves. Who wouldn't be depressed just looking at this list?
Should 'indecisiveness' be included, if I could be diarrhetic and constipated at the same time? At which point does the flatulence happen then? And if there's already weight loss, then why do I need anorexia?!
Recovering from surgeries and radiotherapy are a walk in the park, a dip in the pool even, compared to the hell I went through as a few of the above side effects kicked in on Day 5 of my target therapy this past weekend.
A B S O L U T E U T T E R H E L L
My face felt like I popped my head into a burning fire, dry, so very dry, that the skin started flaking off. Pain. Keeping my eyes open was painful since I was stretching the dry skin of the eye lids; talking or eating hurt since the corners of my mouth were cracking. I was so frighteningly red and blotchy that every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I wept. Spraying water soothed it temporarily, but dried it even more after the moisture had gone. Everything I used, ultra-sensitive facial moisturizers, after sun lotion, aloe vera gel, shea butter, all either stung from too much fragrance, or did not absorb at all to relief the dryness.
For me, pain often brings weakness. And so, the floodgates opened. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I taking such toxic medication? How can something so damaging help me heal? What have I done to deserve this? Wasn't I ever good enough?
The same senseless questions that bombard anyone afflicted with (perceived) tragedy or trauma. I'm only mortal.
Then another look into the mirror broke the mood and had me giggling. I ran to Ann - who has now returned to London, whom I miss very much - and announced that I don't have cancer, I'm just a muff-diver with an allergy. Right, too much L Word.
The next day, I woke up, still pretty much in the same condition, my face dry and taut, in pain. I showered, crying, and told myself: I am in pain now. But this too, shall pass.
And it did. I was mummifying myself with cotton pads soaked in water while watching Heroes season 3 (would Ali Larter's schizophrenic triplet character just accept her super powers already and deal, for F's sakes!?! I didn't ask for this, either!!!) with PT, when I pulled out a tube of Aveeno moisturizer at his suggestion since it is known to be very mild and hypoallergenic. It calmed and soothed me instantly. I could even smile!
Since the weekend, my skin has somewhat 'warmed up' to the chemistry and the blotchiness has calmed A LOT. I am now lathering vitamin E on my face both before and after bed. So now, I'm an oiled up sun-dried tomato instead!
I still have 20 odd days left of this course of therapy, and maybe the worse is yet to come, maybe I get to try out each and everyone of those side effects above. But just knowing over 100 people have died from the bush fires in Australia, singed alive while fleeing flaming inferno caused by nature itself, I am grateful with my mere sunburn on the face.
At the end of the day, I still have fabulous hair.